EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELEPHANT SEAL

I knew that title would catch your eye.   Today we drove up route one along the coast. It was a beautiful ride.

We came across the hangout for a ton of elephant seals. In human terms you can probably compare them to a group of Homer Simpsons.  As you can see by the picture, they are not overly ambitious.

We found a person named Joy who shared everything she knew about these lard butt smelly creatures.  First, if you believe in reincarnation, pray you don't come back as a female Elephant Seal. I believe it would be totally dreadful. 

Joy delighted in showing us a picture of mating sea lions. Trust me. ...it made even me blush. She even gave us a web site where they have Web cams set up and in February you can get online and watch this animal porn yourself.  if you tune in in January you can watch the women give birth.

Here is how it goes......The women are pregnant for 11 months. They give birth to a sixty pound baby. They nurse the baby for one month. The baby seal gains 10 POUNDS PER DAY!  After the month the Homers move in for a little romance. I hear it's very little.  it's like wam bam and off to the next woman.  I guess it's a free for all and who knows what baby belongs to which male. Just like humans you always know who the mother is.

So there you have it.  Everything you always wanted to know. If you would like the Web Cam site I can hook you up. 

The little seals in the picture are approx two years old. They aren't considered an adult I until they are four. 

Disney Days

This is the part of the trip that I MUST be careful not to offend Barbie and Ken, who are also known as our happiness coordinators. They are Disney Fanatics like no other.  So I would never want to offend them.

 I was torn between being on Royal baby watch or going to Disney.  Disney won.  What can you say about Disney?  There is nothing that they do half cracked.  It is truly a class act of amusement parks.  If I had a dying wish I would love to go to Disney with just me and ten of my closest friends when nobody else is in the park.  It could be midnight to 6am for all I care.  That would be great!

It is so crowded here and the lines are just so long.  You are constantly in danger of getting hurt with strollers, wheelchairs and hum arounds.  I get so mad.  Note to my children:  If I am ever wheelchair bound, DO NOT take me to an amusement park.  I couldn't be more serious.  I'm not trying to be cold hearted but who do you think is pushing those wheelchairs?  Ten year olds are that's who and they will run your ass over in a heartbeat! Why people let ten year old kids navigate is beyond me.  

Our hotel is gorgeous.  We are staying at The Grand Californian.  This is such a neat place.  When you walk outside the hotel you are in Downtown Disney.  At the end of the walkway you go right for California Adventure or left for Disneyland.  It's a great set up and so convenient.  No buses, or any transportation needed.   

We ate at two really good restaurants.  The first dinner was at Blue Bayou in Disneyland.  It was cool.  It made you feel as though you were in New Orleans.  It overlooked the boat ride of Pirates of the Caribbean.  The food was excellent.  

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The second night we ate at the Winery in California Adventure called Golden Vine Winery.    

Again, we had a very good meal. I meant to take pictures of our meals and just forgot.  I can only tell you none of us were disappointed.

John happy to have found a refreshing beverage.  

Me:  Just contemplating how I almost got killed by a hum around.

Two great days....two fun parks.  Four great friends.

Day One LA Tourists

Good grief, I'm not doing very well at blogging this vacation.  It almost feels like a job trying to figure out the app and get pictures included and on and on.  I will tell you, we are having a great time.  The first full day in LA we tourists did touristy things.  First stop and about an hour drive (we took the scenic route) was Randy's Donuts?  Have you heard of that?  Yea, me either.  I guess it's a donut shop that has been seen in many movies. If you go to Wiki it will tell you which movies.




Next stop:  Walt's Barn.  This is A barn that was moved from the backyard of Walt Disney's house.  A group of volunteers keep it up and running.  It is not connected in any way to the Disney parks.  

Next stop:  Forest Lawn Cemetery.  Ken has an app on his phone that tells you where dead celebrities are buried.  We saw where Walt Disney's ashes were buried and no he isn't frozen somewhere to be brought back to life he really was cremated.  We also saw where George Burns and Gracie are buried.  There is a bench in front of their crypt and that is where George would come often and talk to Gracie.  I really wanted to see Michael Jackson's place of burial, but it is not accessible.  You can see where people drop off flowers daily at the door.  Everyday the keepers of the cemetery come along and dispose of them. We did go see the house he died in which is on the same street as Walt Disney's.  (someone in this group is a Walt Disney Fan)




Then our last touristy thing of the day was to eat the famous chicken at Knott's Berry Farms.  See the place mat below?  It has a lot of words and a lot of years there doesn't it?  Well, imagine that you are eating late and you are kind of irritable after a long day of being a tourist and in the booth across the aisle a child approx 10 years old was reading this word for word in her best monotone, outside voice.  I thought it would NEVER end!  EVER!  I was afraid once it did end, her parents would ask for a menu so she could read the history on the back of it too.

GET A DUFFEL BAG THEY SAID........

Get a duffel bag.....everything will fit they said

  

I have a hunch that I'm being tricked.   Our traveling partners (Barbie and Ken)  talked us into taking dropped bottom duffel bags.  Really?  pack for a two week vacation with just a duffel bag?   My fear is we are actually going on a hiking trip and nobody wanted to tell me.  Oh my what hell that would be.  Seriously, the only hike I want to take is around an air conditioned mall.

One of the most frustrating jobs is packing a suitcase to go on vacation.  I would like to pack just enough and not too much.  Everything I pack is based on What ifs.  What if we want to go somewhere nice to eat?  What if it's rainy and cold?  What if it's 100 degrees? What if I run into Harrison Ford or Michael Douglas? Do I take 6 pairs of shoes or two basic pairs?  I mean even making a decision about underwear is major.  I tend to pee my pants when I laugh (OR lift heavy objects which John so kindly let out of the bag to friends last weekend) so that could mean I need two pairs a day, which would be 28 pairs if we didn't have a washing machine. A teenage girl could pack 28 pairs of underwear in a sandwich baggie, but I have a lot of junk in my trunk so forget it.  Then there's toiletries.  You know there aren't any drug stores or Targets in California right?  What goes in the carry on?  This is one I need to worry about because it seems no matter how careful I am something gets confiscated at security.  You know I can be a dangerous SOB with that tube of Crest or my favorite Bath and Body Lotion.  Did you know however, that you can take your own mini booze bottles on the plane?  ChaChing!!!  John got me enough Vodka that he is relatively comfortable he won't lose a finger with every hit of turbulence because I have his hand in a death grip.  No I will be sitting there all relaxed and care free.

Actually air travel makes me a bit crazy until we are safe and secure at our destination.   Someday I will tell you about our last flight to California with missed connections and a hotel full of Glee-like boys we almost had to bunk with. Until another time....I have to go try and cram more crap into my duffel bag and keep it under 50 pounds.

Taylor helping me keep it closed so I could zip it.  

Vacation Blogging

In a few days, we will be going on vacation. We are heading to California and due to what I believe to be early onset Alzheimer's, I think I will blog this event.(I made the mistake of reading the book Still Alice and now I'm convinced I also have this ugly disease)  First, it's going to be way to expensive to just go and not remember it and second, I'm sure my kids will be sick with worry about their parents traveling and the shame we could bring to their good family name.  Oh, wait, that's my worry when they travel....never mind.

Anyway, here are the rules:  I will not be taking the laptop.  I just don't want to mess with it.  I will blog from my blogger app on my phone.  So, when you see the wrong form of your or You're or their, there they're being used, please just grin and bear it.  If you see a word spelled incorrectly just mutter to yourself "damn auto correct"  I will maybe go back later and correct my errors.  I would really hate hundreds of years from now for someone to stumble upon this work of art and believe I never got past the eighth grade.

Although we are going with another couple, they may remain anonymous. I may refer to them under an alias, such as Bonnie and Clyde, and all pictures will just be of their back sides unless special permission is granted.  One of them is a public servant and I really don't want to be responsible for her  forced retirement.  I will take responsibility for my own.  So, if there is any drunken debacle or even minor law breaking you may never know.  However, if it's a good enough story you just might.  Who knows.

The plan is to Fly to LA and our first stop is the happiest place on earth AKA Disneyland.  (John C. WILL debate this later)  Here's John's favorite joke:

John:  You know what the best part of Disney is?
Me:  No, what?
John:  The ride home.... BOOOOOM!

He is not a Disney fan, but we are going to make him like it dammit. From there we go up the coast  with stops here and there and finally end up in a house at Napa or is it Sonoma?  I'm just along for the ride and not too worried about details.  From there will will visit San Fran and basically whatever else we want to do.

I don't want to bore anyone, but if you would like to take a virtual tour to California, check in every so often and see what's going on.  By the way, Vivian wants me to add that we have a house sitter and a pit bull.  The pit bull loves blood so beware.  Sarah's a mean witch also so don't tangle with her.

MY MOTHER: ANOTHER WAY I AM NOT LIKE HER.

My mother has a gift.  She has the gift of gab, but more than that she truly has the gift of hospitality.  Just so you know and realize, this is just another way we are opposite.  It's not that I'm not hospitable, it's just that I'm not overly fond of people.  (JOKE) The truth is being hospitable takes a lot out of me.  I worry....I worry about recipes turning out bad, dried out meat, having enough food, people hating everything I make, bathrooms being clean...Someone pulling out the refrigerator and seeing the chili that was spilled down the side of it back in 1998, a dust bunny falling from the ceiling fan that hangs right over the dining room table and ruining the roasted duck

My dad's sister died and we attended her funeral.  I'm not sure exactly what happened, but before I knew it or could do anything about it mom had 150 people lined up for a SMALL funeral dinner afterwards at her house. ( there were only 25 at the funeral)  Before we went to the funeral she had showed me the pulled pork she would be serving which was the size of a banana nut bread.  I thought okay no problem we are having our immediate family and two other people over.  When we arrived at the social event aka the funeral home, mom was inviting everyone she talked to to come over for a bite to eat.  The more she invited the more worried I got.  I was thinking I hope a "bite" is all they wanted because there are12 bites of pulled pork and a whole lot of baked beans  (what is it with funeral dinners and baked beans, is it a joke?..."oh sorry for the gas I'm passing, I went to a funeral today")

I started getting really worried and decided to leave before the funeral to get home and help getting stuff ready.  I stopped at the store and just got a few things like paper products, another can of baked beans (true story) and buns for the six pulled pork sandwiches. 

So, There I am in Vivian's Kitchen snooping around.  May I just say this woman is ready for Armageddon.  She knows how to stock her kitchen with food.  You seriously could randomly pick any recipe as wild or mild as you would like and she would have in her cupboards the very ingredients you would need to make it.  I looked in her freezer and it looks like the Schwan man died and left her his inventory.  It's quite amazing.  She cans, she freezes, and she buys right. The only thing lacking is alcohol.  I was searching for just a  little bit of wine to calm my nerves and there was nothing.   I'm pretty sure there is a beer stash somewhere for my father, they keep that well hidden in case the minister stops by.  At any rate, I will never be that put together.  I buy a new bag of lettuce as soon as I throw the old one away.  That's how I know I need a new bag. (notice I said bag.....chopping up a head of lettuce?  Who has time for that?)

I quickly threw together my famous recipe for creamed chicken sandwiches.  Mom had a can of chicken the size of Freeport, two cans of cream of chicken soup and a half bag of crushed potato chips.  There you go, my worries were over.  We now had enough cream chicken to feed everyone 2-3 sandwiches each.  I added my beans to her 3 bean with hamburg crock pot meal and we were good to go.  As a side note, if you have beans at my mom and dad's house they will always be Bush's for obvious reasons.  These republicans take their parties and beans very very seriously. You will have to search for the booze though.

HERE'S TO FIFTY!

I really don't pay much attention to birthdays, particularly my own.  I know my awesomeness made May 25th a very special day in my moms life.  After all the shenanigans of my hyperactive older brother, she was so happy to get a girl. I have no idea why she gave me a boys name, but I do know she blames my dad.  I was supposed to be named Stephanie, but unfortunetely she chose May 25th to be the first day EVER that she listened to Bob. ( that's probably not true, I think there was an incident in the back of a 56 chevy...just sayin')  So now they had a Roger and a Bobbie. The only place I ever excelled in comparison to my brother is potty training; I was nine months old and he was nine years old.  Other than that small hurdle, he has turned out OK.

My favorite age was 25.  John and I looked at each other when we were 25 and both said " this is the life"  We had a baby, each other, and a 1985 Honda civic.  What more could we want?  Seriously, we thought we were on top of the world.  This lasted quite awhile actually, but it's really not good to peak so early. 

The thirties were absolutely fine.  We had three good kids.  Our kids were polite, and we seriously could take them anywhere and not worry about their behavior.  I don't remember any embarrassing scenes in public, not one.  They were just good kids.

Then there were the forties.  OMG!!  This last decade can just go to hell okay?  I have never been so glad to see anything end in all my life.  I was thinking...about what made these ten years so bad?  Hmmm I know:

Samantha-15
Sarah-14
Jonathan-12

Yes, the teen years aged me an additional ten years.  You know that saying it's not the age it's the mileage.  Yea, my miles are equal to a 60 year old.  I know I blame everything on my kids, but they will be the first to admit it wasn't easy.  I don't care how good your kids are, the worries quadruple.  The driving, the wrecks, the money it takes to raise them, the late night phone calls, the breakups, the drama, the hurt, the stupidity, the thinking they know it all.  The kids hit the teenage years and suddenly my IQ apparently dropped 20 points in their mind. The little kids that I knew in my thirties were now unrecognizable.  Even now, I look back and don't recognize where those babies have gone.

I'm proud to say we weathered the storm.  I believe the worst is over.  ( my mouth to God's ear) I predict that our fifties are going to be divine.  We are going to enjoy our kids once again, we are hopefully going to do the things we didn't get to do in our forties...like sleep at night.  John and I are going to enjoy one another into old age.  I asked John the other day "if you dropped dead right now, is there anything I need to know?"  His answer..."I don't have any mistresses or anything".  Okay good to know.  With that being said, here is to another ten good years!