Sunday, March 24, 2013


Over the past 6 years or so, I have searched for a church.  I have no idea what I was looking for, but I kept coming back to the church that I truly consider family.  Just like the Walmarts and banks of America, there are BIG churches that have it all.  They have Starbucks and Sandwich shops in their churches, they have bands, they have great speakers, they have many many things that can help many people.  There is nothing wrong with this, but personally I really love our church that is truly like family.  Last year when I had my surgeries and my brush with cancer, I received so many cards and prayers from everyone it touched my heart.  To know that there was a group of people praying and thinking about me, was just wonderful. 

So my disclaimer before I go any further:  Though I am laughing, and though I find our older ladies funny, these people have worked diligently for the Lord for many many years.  They have kept our church going.  I worry for our next generation, because that means me.  The thought of me planning a spaghetti dinner scares me to death.  There either needs to be a crowd of 700 or less than ten because I have no idea how to measure spaghetti.  Steak supper?   Nope, I can't make gravy to save my butt either.

So the story begins:  Wednesday night I went to choir practice.  We have 13 members tops when we all show up.  Only 3 of us are NOT retired.  We younger ones come in with one leg dragging behind us because we had just been beat up at work all day. (mind you the Sr.'s have done their time with work and holding a church together)  Speaking only for myself.  It's all I can do to work all day, get dinner on the table and clean it up.  Once I'm home I DO NOT want to leave.  I may only be 49 3/4's, but I act like I'm 85 and no driving privileges due to night blindness and cataracts.

Anyway, someone died and the women of our church were planning their funeral dinner.  All the "elders" were looking over the donation list and pondering and thinking, and writing and erasing, and pondering some more.  Janet said " well, I suppose I could go to the market after I walk at the mall"   I just started laughing.....Market?  I haven't heard that word since this little piggy went to "market".  One by one these dear ladies were pouring over the list of needs and debating and deciding what they would donate. 

I was sitting between Shirley and Janet. 

Shirley:  Judy is going to go to Sam's and pick up whatever is left to get on the list
Janet: Oh well, then just have her get mine.
Shirley:  Okay.

Then I noticed that Janet starting making a list of what she signed up for.  Just as my own mother would, I felt the need to stick my nose in. (I was mostly concerned about too many baked beans showing up)  "Janet, didn't you just tell Shirley to have Judy go ahead and get the baked beans and buns you said you would get?"  Janet replies, "Yes, but I've changed my mind, I'm writing myself a note so I don't forget"  So, I turn to Shirley and said, "Janet changed her mind, please don't get the baked beans or you will have enough baked beans to level Mineral City if everyone eats them"  This banter went back and forth for 15 minutes.  At the end of 15 minutes I could tell you all of their schedules for the next two days.  We had mall walking, market going, Sam's trip and a deadline of Friday morning to get that ham in the oven.   Suddenly, I was glad I work because these people are way too busy. 

Meanwhile, Our token bass (nickname Pinky) chimed in and wondered how much we were going to charge.  Shirley, kind of gave him the look and told him that they don't charge, but normally the family donates a bit to the cause.  Pinky said, well I was talking to them today and told them we charge $250.  I didn't realize they let men on the women's committee, but apparently Pinky is the self-appointed business manager.  I think if they stick with him, they can make a profit on funeral dinners.  Mother daughter banquets will now have a cover charge at the door also.

With all this being said, they did make me chuckle, but it also made me go through the list and think about who's going to follow up?  Who's going to follow in the footsteps of those ahead of us?  They are pretty big shoes to fill, they have worked hard and kept the church moving forward.  I don't have many talents or gifts.  I can wash dishes, but don't ask me to plan a dinner.  Please please please, don't make me do bible school...I'm not a kid person.  Decorate the alter?? no way!  I can play the piano.....people don't believe me when I tell them I fake it, but trust me I fake it.  My former piano teacher would be cringing if she knew how many notes I'm skipping over.  As long as you can hear the melody and keep the tempo moving that's all I care.  April 1 there is a women's ministry board meeting to plan the next I ready to commit?  Has anyone ever been kicked out of the group, because I'm thinking I could be the first!  More importantly, I think I have a lot to learn and should probably start training right away.  Let's start with gravy making perhaps.

Saturday, March 9, 2013


The topic for today is Feminism.  My feminism only goes so far.  I believe in equal pay for equal work.  The end. I really don't have time.....okay I have time, I just lack ambition. 

Gloria Steinem was recently on TV and claims we are only 30% into the feminist movement.  What?  What's missing?  We can vote, We can now fight in a war,  someday there will be a woman president right? what's missing? I'm kind of content.

You will never, ever see me vote for a woman for president just because she is a woman. (re-read that last sentence you probably read it wrong) I will vote for the best person.  If a woman happens to win, we can then celebrate the first woman president, that's fine.  How about Danica the race car driver.  Kudos to her for breaking into a mostly male sport, but why can't we just lump her in with the guys?  She came in 8th.....not bad for a woman?  Rickie Bobby says "if your not first your last"  When they said start your engines, why did they say "Driver's and Danica start your engines"....That doesn't even make sense.  Also, how would we take it if Danica was say 200 lbs with a touch of a hormonal imbalance that created a slight upper lip mustache?  Yea, I don't think it would quite be the same. There is now a woman cage fighter, who is as tough as she is hot, says the men at the office.  I mean come on didn't that girl who hit that other girl in the knee caps over a skating gold medal go into cage fighting after that incident?  I think her name was Tonya Harding.  There is also a girl trying to be a kicker for a football team. My daughter welds. (with a fashionable Pink tool belt I might add)  Woo Hooo...All these women doing great manly things and I'm just over here making sure my pink paperclips, match my pink stapler which matches my pink toes and fingernails.  I like Pink Moscato and pink roses.  Pink is my color.

We now allow women to serve on the front line in a war.  That's fair as long as the woman doesn't put her male counterparts in danger and keeps up her end of the war.  You would not want Bobbie Canton on the front line.  No would go something like this:

Commander:  Okay Canton, we need hike up that hill and that's where we will set up camp.

Bobbie:  No thanks sir, I'm pretty whipped.   You go ahead get the camp set up and bring the jeep back down and pick me up.  I will just be sitting on this tree stump checking in on Facebook and eating my pop tart.

Yea, no thanks, camping and combat are not my cup of tea. 

When John dies, I will be able to handle the things that require a brain.  The bills, the insurance, the burial etc etc etc, but I get no personal satisfaction or gratification out of changing my oil, changing a flat tire, or mowing the grass.  I have Jiffy Lube, Triple A, and a guy named Herb for these tasks.  Hell, I even hate to  pump my own gas. Sometimes when I'm really desperate I bribe John with sexual favors to get a full tank of gas.  I'M KIDDING!!!  Seriously, I would never stoop that low.  Also, for the record, when John goes I will be getting a white long haired Persian kitty with a little pink bow on her tiny little noggin.  I shall call her, Elizabeth.  Elizabeth and I will shop on the Internet and she will eat Fancy Feast out of a fine dessert dish.  It will be lovely. 

Let's change gears for a moment and focus on corporate CEO's.  You have all heard of the woman who left Google and went to Yahoo and started bossing people around right? Apparently she loves a challenge because in my opinion Google has it all going on and Yahoo does not.  There is no doubt that women can get it done, but sometimes our approach is a bit....I don't know....maybe obnoxious?  The fact is women will eat their own.  We will chew them up, regurgitate them out and flush the toilet on another woman.  The guys in my office claim that when a woman walks through the door, whether it be a customer or an applicant, each one of us girls look up and down this woman and snarl at her. We look at her ass, her clothes and her hair.  It's like having a strange new chicken in the hen house ya know? In our defense, seriously why would she wear that much jewelry to a job interview?  Her clothes are way too tight and with a rock like that on her hand, why does she even need to work?  Yea....we hate her. 

Women by nature are coordinators, teachers, organizers and usually are actually pretty darn good about picking our battles.  The Yahoo CEO needs to learn a lesson or two in the picking your battles thing.    I can't wait until her now new born child is a 9 years old with severe Attention Deficit Disorder and the teacher is calling her because he drank a bottle of bubbles and is threatening to blow bubbles out his ass for show and tell.  She will be out of the office more than she is in it. Jr will be running her butt off back and forth to detention.  Oh, and if she really wants to experience motherhood, I would suggest another child 15 months after the first one.  I'm NOT saying you aren't a real mother if you only have one child, I'm saying you are smart :)  No, seriously, parenting two children is a lot different than one.  See, number two will cover for number one and number one covers for number three.  There are more lies being tossed around than when Bill Clinton was in the White House talking about his definition of sex and how he DID NOT have sex with that woman!  Ms. what's her name won't have time to worry about who's working at home or under your feet at the office. 

Okay back to my point:  Miss uptight is on her throne and one of her first ordinances is that people shall now come to work to work.There will be no more working from home.  She advises people to use "their better judgement" when having to stay home for repairmen and in making appointments.  I understand "facetime" I really do.  I see the need to have meetings when everyone is in the same room (although there is Skype...just sayin')  However trust me when I say this, if you have a lot of  meetings your employees aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing.  Meetings are very unproductive after the first 20-30 minutes.  They are the biggest time wasters that companies have. ( Let me throw in an analogy here about sermons that are too long  at church also. Our minds are good for 20 minutes, please use those minutes wisely.  After that you may as well stand in the pulpit and talk like Charlie Browns Teacher...waa waa waa because we probably aren't hearing you.)

Dear Ms. Mayer, you are in the tech business please act accordingly. Coming into the office 8 hours a day is so 80's.  Micro managing good employees, is not the way of the future.  You can monitor your employees at home.  You can measure their productivity.  You can set up certain hours or meetings that you want them in the office if brainstorming meetings are necessary.  Maybe on those days, let their children play in the nursery you built for YOUR son.  Teach him to share for Gawd's sakes.  There is more than one way to skin a cat, please use your imagination.  Take your grumpy off and try to relate to people.  If there are slackers taking advantage at home, counsel them, call them out, but dang don't go back to the dark ages.  Don't make it harder for other people who want to do life.  Be an advocate for all people.  Make people want more women as CEO's.  Right now, you are making me appreciate and prefer my male bosses.  Women are just as smart, some are just as physically strong, but some feel the need  to try to prove their leadership by increasing their crabbiness.  Work on those leadership skills, not your bossy skills.