Saturday, April 20, 2013


Sometimes blogs just happen.  I think if we all would talk less and watch and listen more we could  write daily blogs just about the everyday things in life.  As I have said before, I find humor in a lot of things.  Sometimes I even run the risk of offending people because I'm not overly-serious about important matters.  Oh, trust me, I don't find everything in life funny, and I find life and people to be "udderly" ridiculous sometimes, but I still try to laugh.  John is reading this and saying "really?  Because I believe I witnessed a melt down yesterday."  Well, John, yes, yes you did, but that was because my family was being downright stupid and borderline insane.  I find other people's lives a hell of a lot funnier than my own sometimes. 

My entire day Friday was just weird.  I went to Macy's  to buy my niece a shower gift.  The clerk in housewares was a doll.  She was so friendly and helpful and helped me pick the pieces I was looking for off the registry.  When we were checking out she would wrap a little, talk a little, wrap a little, talk a little.  As very nice as she was, I was growing impatient because the line behind us was getting deeper and deeper and I know what I would be doing and feeling if I were in line and someone was chattering more than working.  Suddenly I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye, getting off the elevator was an 85 year old woman who was on a mission.  I could tell right away she was going to be as patient as a bear in heat.  She went right around everyone in line and forced her way right beside me and said in a very aggravated almost panicked tone "WHERE ARE THE PRESSURE COOKERS"  I busted out laughing...she gave me the look of death.  The good Lord quickly put his hand over my mouth because I was going to point to the back wall and say "right over there beside the kitchen tacks and the fertilizer"  What the hell..seriously, who goes out buying a pressure cooker four days after a pressure cooker bomb is used to create terror.

Now, I know it's too soon for this conversation but she started it.  There are a couple possible scenarios. 

1. She has no idea what is going on in the world and just seriously needed a pressure cooker TODAY.

2.  OR....she was watching FOX news and Sean Hannity said Obama was now going to ban pressure cookers.  In preparation for end times she is going to buy two of them.  ( just my personal observation, but one will last her the rest of her life)

3.  The Cool weather has her confused and she believes there are green beans to be canned.

4. She is going to use it for evil. 

I'm going with number two.  It seems people of this age are always talking about the end times and their TVs are always on cable news.  Psst, I really hate to burst your bubble, but if you are 85 years old you ARE in end times.  My own mom has been talking about end times since I was a teenager. I  lied and said I was going to the bowling alley with friends and instead went railroad track jumping.  Hell, after I was apprehended, I thought it may be end times for me also. Meanwhile, my brother was out....oh never mind.

Now, back to Ethel.  The next time I saw her she was lugging her 50lb cooker to her car which was a big ole Lincoln Continental parked conveniently. (which it should be)  I seriously almost took a cell phone picture to prove to you people I really don't make this crap up.  I just hope her mind is at ease now.

Monday, April 15, 2013


First before I get into the subject matter...I really don't plan what I'm going to say.  This isn't a job where I think I have to post something every week or I don't get paid.  However, I was thinking.....If someone told me they would give me a million dollars to write a novel, I would have to lie. (because I need the cash)  Whoever was going to hand over the million bucks would think they may be reading a novel but I can tell you right now it would be an autobiography.  A very boring autobiography, but definitely not a novel. 

I have no vision.  I am not creative.  I am not smart.  I just know what I know.  I think I'm rich in common sense, although I suppose that could be debated if someone saw me, oh I don't know, let's say...leaving a kid at church.  (I thought it seemed quiet on the way home and wouldn't you think a sibling would have said something like "mommy, where's Sarah?")  Any way where is this going you ask? Hell, I don't know. 

I was looking at my blog stats.  It seems some blogs do better than others.  My last one had 49 "hits"  I'm thinking 39 of them were from my mother.  What is really throwing me is this last week my stats said I had people in Germany, Georgia (not USA Ga), Russia, Venezuela and the Netherlands reading this blog.  In the month prior I had all of these plus Canada, India and wait for it......KAZAKHSTAN!!!  Listen this almost scares me.  I googled Kazakhstan and although they speak Russian, when I look at the map, it seems very close to Afghanistan.  When I say close I mean like as close as Tennessee is to Ohio.  Okay that's pretty close. 

To whomever is reading this Podunk blog from KAZAKHSTAN believe me you can do better.  I will repeat myself.  I am boring... so so boring.  I am not creative, I am not smart.  I just know what I know and very little else.  I know a bit about processing milk, cottage cheese, ice cream and birthing babies.  Other than that, in the words of Colonel Klink,  "I know NOTHING"   I have no United States Secrets and no KGB connections whatsoever to anyone you may be looking for.  My life is BORING with a capital B.  I'm guessing you would find my children more interesting.  Hit me up and I will tell you where to find them. Whatever it is you want with them, all I ask is that it doesn't cost me money.

If I ever see where I have a "hit" from let's say North Korea, I will probably board up the blog and either go under the witness protection program or start over in Word Press under an alias. (possibly Booby Tit Rack, that was my high school nick name) However, if I thought it were wee man Kim Jong Un I may pull a Dennis Rodman and invite him to dinner to discuss his short man syndrome.  Perhaps I would even play a little Justin Bieber and see if I could make a "Belieber" out of him.  At that point he may want to fall on his own sword or nuke or whatever he thinks he has.

So anyway, if there truly are people in far away lands reading this, please contact me. I would love to know why?  Your life may be a tad more pathetic than mine, and if so that's good to know.

Saturday, April 6, 2013


Is it me, (naw, it couldn't be) or have we become a bunch of pansies?  It may be the media or the World Wide Web's fault, but we are getting more and more sensitive when we should be trying to get tougher and tougher. 

I just read the headlines and I think what in the hell is going on?  A little boy (3rd grader I believe) got suspended because he ate his pop tart into the shape of a gun.  He was actually aiming to make a mountain but it turned out to be more gun shaped.  he pointed it at someone and said bang bang and the teacher ended up making the mountain (out of a mole hill)  I really want to believe that there is more to this story.    I can relate to this kid and his artsy failure.  I was trying to make pants one time in Home Economics and ended up with shorts.  The teacher told me to go get a scrap piece of material and stupid me cut the leg off the pants I was making and now I had shorts or perhaps pants for a one legged woman.  Anyway I digress....  WTH......Had I been the teacher I simply would have told Timmy to plant his ass in his seat and don't choke on that pop tart.  I guess where the kid failed was he said bang bang and there is zero tolerance.  Well I have zero tolerance for people who only think in black and white terms and don't use their common sense.  There is a lot of gray in this world ( please see paragraph 5)

That same week another third grade boy ( third graders must be nothing but trouble) took cupcakes to school for his birthday and they had little toy soldiers on them...yes the ones with guns.  The administration made them take off the little green soldiers or throw them away or something.  Now, in light of recent events with the school shootings, I will agree that mom probably had a small lapse in judgement, but come on really?  Have you ever been nagged to death by a 8 year old while at the same time his baby brother is crawling  under the kitchen sink trying to drink bleach and the middle child is hanging out the upstairs window trying to propel herself to the tree right outside her window just so she can say she can.  Yes, I have been there!  At that moment your mom instincts kicks in and you prioritize.  The bleach trumps everything because it could mean jail time,  then the possible broken neck of the propeller takes second priority because that could also mean jail time,  and then kid number one can have his damn soldiers on his cupcakes.      Just get OUT TO THE BUS BEFORE YOU MISS IT!!  What mother would even dream that the Soldier cupcakes would make the national news?    Kids definitely know the art of distraction and apparently so does the media.

Today we blame video games on people going out and killing people.  Did anyone ever watch the Roadrunner?   You talk about violence.  That Coyote was mean and violent. I believe he was also a big bully.  I never ever heard anyone say of Jeffrey Dahmer..."gee he must have watched too much roadrunner."  He may, of course, have watched too much Julia Child's cooking shows.  ( get it, he ate people.....OK that was in bad taste, NO PUN INTENDED LOL  I'm cracking myself up)  Speaking of thin skinned that last joke  may offend someone.  I can't help it.  I can't live the rest of my life worried about everything.  I do try to be sensitive, but sometimes I just can't think of everything that may offend someone because just about anything offends someone.  Just typing that run on sentence made me tired.

The newest offense today is where Target has named a color in the plus size section as being Manatee Gray while in the wee size one section the same color is simply Dark Heather Gray.  Sigh......where does it end. Yes, there are fat people who are offended because I guess they also just want to be Dark Heather Gray.  I mean what next Elephant Skin Gray?  Beached Whale Black? Who the hell is Heather anyway?   Oh, why oh why can't I have the job of making up color names.  We could have some real fun and pretty much offend everyone.  Are you short?  How about Midget Mud Wrestling Brown?  Missing a finger and trying to buy gloves in a certain color?  How about trying our Digit-O-Missing red. (I chose a handicap that my father has as not to offend this not offending thing is tiring) Yes, someone at Target was having a blast the day they came up with Manatee Gray, but well played whoever you are, well played! I love it!

Now lighten up EVERYONE!  Timmy wasn't going to hurt you with his pop tart, Soldier Boy isn't going to be a mass murderer just because he likes to play cops and robbers or soldiers,  and Target is just being plain old funny!!  Let it be!  Get a back bone and laugh at your self a little.  If you don't laugh at yourself someone else will.