Sunday, February 17, 2013

Who me? Negative? No I'm a Realist

People insinuate that I will find the negative in things before the bright spots.  I remember having a discussion with some women at work.  We were discussing periods of all things.  One girl said "someone here should volunteer to explain the facts of life to Bobbie's girls because she will scare them to death"  Jeez, am I that bad?  I  simply told them the truth.  Once a month evil aunt maxi (Short for Maxine) will come and you will simply feel like crap.  The misery lasts approx five days, then after that you will have a couple good weeks and then prior to Aunt Maxi coming again you will not fit in any of your jeans, your boobs will hurt, and you will feel like biting the head off a bat.  What's wrong with that?  I call it reality and everyone else calls it negativity. Really?  Raise your hand if you like this monthly intrusion?  Tell me one  positive thing about it?  Wait, I have a positive, If I'm having a period I'M NOT PREGNANT.  WOOHOO!! 

As for my negativity, well I'm a realist.  If something can go wrong it will.  Every time a kid actually rings my phone, my heart starts beating to the point of a heart attack and I get instant diarrhea.  They don't call unless there is a car or a crisis involved.  I've learned texts sometimes can be no better. (this is an actual text conversation, I'm not even kidding)

Kid:  Now, don't panic, but we had a small grease fire in the kitchen.
ME:  WTF!!!  (Well That's Fantastic)
Kid:  Do I call insurance or just stick my head in the oven and get it over with.
ME:  Call insurance please.... I will stick my head in the oven.

First off, don't start a sentence with "now don't panic"  That just means panic. What's even more funny is how the conversation continued.

Kid:  I was so scared, I forgot everything I was supposed to do
ME:  I think you are supposed to plop a kid on it and smother it.
ME:  OMG I meant a LID not a not put a kid on it!
Kid:  We used a blanket to try to smother it.  It caught fire.
ME: OMG......
Kid:  They told us to use a towel, we lacked a towel
ME:  who is "they"?  did you stop to google "How to put out a grease fire"  or something?
Kid:  Noooo from the fire safety crap I learned back in the day.  Smother the grease, no water.

I'd bet my next paycheck they used water....Just sayin'.

So this past Friday I'm having a pretty good TGIF and my phone rings with a number I didn't recognize.  Oh what the hell, I will answer it because I don't know.... I'm kind of bored.

Man:  Hi, Is this Jon's mom?
Me:  Yes it is, but I have to go to the bathroom now and I might throw up.  Is he in Jail? Wreck? Hurt?  Murder? Will this cost me my retirement? Will it require an attorney?
Man:  Your son fell off a ladder here at work and fell on his head.
Man:  He is on his way to Aultman Hopsital in an ambulance.
Me:  Psht is that all?  Okay thanks for calling, I will head over to the hospital. 

( By the way, the falling off the ladder and landing on his head is a true story, I'm glad to report his head broke his fall ....we are very fortunate it wasn't more serious)

 I wish I had let the phone ring and had a recording that would say  "if this message is about people by the  name of Samantha, Sarah or Jon with no H, please call their father, I have retired and moved to Hawaii.  I do not require Birthday or Mother's Day cards any longer.  In fact I am in the witness protection program so don't waste a lot of time trying to find me. 

People wonder why I absolutely HATE HATE HATE talking on the phone.  My phone is not for talking.  It's for texting, facebooking and surfing the net.  I feel like that dog that hears a bell and starts salivating.  When my phone rings I get diarhea.  Frankly I'm tired of it.

Everyone has heard about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome?  I believe in it whole heartily. I'm not even joking about it so please don't take offense. I have a different form of the Syndrome.  I have  Post Traumatic Stress Caused by Teen and Young Adult Children.  I may never be the same.  Seriously, it is not normal to hyperventilate when your child calls or you get calls from unknown numbers.  Yes, I'm negative (or facing reality) but I have three very good reasons! 

  For those of you who are taking everything I say seriously....good because I'm not even kidding.  My goal is when I'm old and my kids are on MY speed dial, I will disguise my voice and say..."excuse me is this Bobbie's daughter?  You need to come get your mom she apparently has taken up jogging and all she is wearing are her tennis shoes.  Paybacks are going to be a bitch! 

1 comment: