THE FINAL PREP

 Today is the day for the big BLOW OUT.  Yes, take two of these pills, and mix this stuff with 64 ounces of some liquid and drink 8 oz every 15 to 30 minutes and enjoy the bathroom. (I'm using john's it's closer to the TV)   I have my pills, my "stuff" and my baby wipes.  I think I'm looking forward to the big blow out because I've been a bit irregular lately and this should be quite refreshing.

One of the things I dislike about flying and  surgical operations is the prep. (wow, what a transition!) If I could just get on a plane and go, it would be less stressful.  I don't need to hear the safety rules.  I know the barf bag is in the pocket in front of me, and I know you are blowing smoke up my a$$ when you say the seat is also a flotation device. It probably will float if I'm fortunate enough to land on it when I fall from the sky.  Besides that I'm very buoyant in salt water.   Let's just board the plane, buckle up and tell the pilot to put it in drive and get out of here. (after he takes a drug test and breathalyzer) 

Operations are the same way.  They want you there two hours early.  You repeat everything that you have already written down several times.  They do blood pressure, temperature, the IV and ask again about a living will.  Last time they made me take a pregnancy test (that was, no kidding, the third pregnancy test in 3 months) They are giving John and I a lot more credit than we deserve :)  It truly could all be done in less than an hour.  They then wheel you upstairs to a Que area where you wait for the anesthesiologists to come talk to you.  I interviewed mine to make sure he was having a good day, in good spirits and sober.  He passed.  Then you wait some more.   I'm telling you the waiting is the torture part.

Next I was wheeled  into a very cold operating room.  It was a swarm of activity.  Some dude said he was putting something in my IV to make me drowsy.  I think that was a bit of an understatement because that's the last thing I remember.  I always heard that you had to count from ten backwards, if they made me do that I don't remember it.( I had planned to count in Spanish)   The next thing I know I'm being awakened in recovery.  There was a huge clock right in front of me and it was 11:15.  There was a patient in the cube next to me, who was talking out of her mind.  She kept asking the same questions over and over and I was getting perturbed because I wasn't quite with it myself and she was bothering my slumber.  I give the nurses credit, they were so patient with her.  I think I would have squeezed her tube just a tiny tiny bit.

This is why I ask people to pray for peace of heart.  I really don't doubt that the operation will go well and things from the last two months will finally be put to bed and we can move forward, but the preparation for these things can make me crazy.  I want them to just meet me at the car and sedate me, wheel me in, do their thing and wake me up in my room. 

WHAT WENT RIGHT? A LOT!

The last six weeks have been kind of bizarre.  As I reflect I realize how much has gone right.  There is so much to be thankful for and so much to laugh about.  You don't have to think I'm funny, really, it's OK.  This is just me sharing how my mind works.   I truly find humor in just about everything, which others can find quite irritating.  Here are a few things that went very right in the last six weeks. 

1.  Morphine:  I always thought morphine was reserved for the dying, but dang the minute I woke up I simply said, "I have to pee" the nurse said "no you don't, here have some morphine."  and she injected it into my IV.  That's pretty good stuff I tell ya.....Kind of hope that nurse is on duty this time.

2.  Private rooms:  Probably the best thing that has come along with the privacy laws are the private rooms.  I would have been miserable in the room with another person. Everyone says I'm like my mother.  I have her humor and sarcasm, but believe me she is much more social than me.  Mom would have loved to have a roommate because she likes to talk..We would know the other patients age, her children's names, birth dates and social security numbers along with the patients profession and salary.  That information would have been gathered in the first hour. I like peace and quiet and being able to belch, fart and watch whatever I want on TV.  After sharing a house with a husband and three teenagers, there is something to be said about a little peace and quiet.

3. Food:  I am the only soul on earth that really likes hospital food.  I think it's just because I didn't have to cook it.  I think I would eat raccoon if I didn't have to cook it.  Which reminds me of another story.   When I was little we were invited to someones house for pancakes and squirrel.  Who in the hell came up with that combination!!? Again my mother had to give me a lecture about not making a scene when I was given a plate of squirrel and pancakes with squirrel gravy on them...As though I'm the scene maker in the family.   My brother is the one that passes out at the sight of a hang nail. I believe he can barf on command.  I would give you funny stories about my dad, but he never talked....I can't understand why.  I do have one funny story, but I may have to wait until he passes to tell it. It's kind of a crappy story (pun intended)  OK, I digressed, the other food that was ten times better than the hospital food was what very kind people brought in to us after we were home.    We had lasagna, salad, Stromboli, soup so much good stuff and good desserts.  It was so so appreciated.  (this should be a powerful hint, seeing as this surgery is going to be SO MUCH WORSE, I won't be able to cook for weeks)

4.  Furniture: As everyone already knows, I have a hyster couch and chair that will be delivered shortly.  Now, all I'm asking for is a Oophorectomy/salpingectomy table and chairs. Yep, I'm bringing this up again because here is what I think......I think my life would be complete if I could have this table and chairs that are at Andres.   Our friends have deemed this The Year of the Bobbie, but I will gladly  reduce this to The Quarter of the Bobbie If I can have this table and chairs plus two vacations. (It's like negotiating a contract)   So if we could just squeeze this last thing in there before the quarter is up, I will be very very happy. Did I mention its a Paula Dean table?  I know, I know, we aren't supposed to like her because she now has diabetes (due to being overweight and cooks like our grandmas used to with butter and lard) and she didn't want to tell the world about her affliction, but I love her!! Here I digress again ,but if I get killed crossing the road, it will still be blamed on my weight because I was too fat to run. The death certificate can probably just be filled out right now with cause of death being fatness.

5.  On a more serious note, I really do thank God for everything.  I thank God that even though I waited and waited to get this surgery, it did not spread through my body.  I thank God that when they were doing the surgery they were able to get the part out whole and not have to cut it in half because this would have "seeded" the area with cancer.  I thank God for all the friends, family, and churches that rose to the occasion.  When something good happens we always say God is Good!  I need to remind myself and others that God is good all the time.  Even if this had been a worse case scenario.....GOD IS STILL GOOD (GREAT).   As hard as life is, and there are others who have it a million times worse than me, God is constant.  I would love to peak at his play book, but I think he knows better.  We humans would find a way  to screw up a good plan! 

FOR WOMEN ONLY :)

I'm sorry for all the posts about hysterectomies and surgeries and cancer, but I guess you write what you live and this is what I'm living at the moment.  As of today, I am no longer searching google for ailments. (at least until the next ailment comes along)  I have decided it's not worth the aggravation.   The one thing about the Internet is you can publish anything you want and people can read it as gospel.  (Any idiot can make a blog....I'm proof) 

Everyone has opinions, I really try hard not to put anyone down for their opinions.  I have my opinions that may not be worth anything, but they are still mine.  I came across a site on the web that appears to be written by a group concerning hysterectomies.  I believe the acronym is HERS  Hysterectomy Educational Resources and Services. (sounds pretty official doesn't it?)  Whatever it is, they hate hysterectomies and the doctors who give them.  They refer to what we used to call a total hysterectomy (uterus, Ovaries and Fallopian tubes) as castration.  I find this very annoying, wrong and downright demeaning.  A group of women  are trying to hurt other women is just wrong.  They talk in absolutes as though there is no middle ground.  Life is nothing but middle ground.  Very few things are totally black or totally white. 

If you go to their web site, I see a lot of money making opportunities.  They sell Medical Journal articles for $4 per article.  HELLLLLOOOOOOO, you can google anything you want, you do not need to pay for it.   There appears to be a few ways these people make money.  I'm not saying they are all wrong.  I don't believe anyone should have surgery for no reason.  Probably the one thing people don't realize is that 20 years ago, I had a doctor that told me I needed a hysterectomy.  Due to my amazing ability to read his mind and also know my own body, I decided he was just trying to buy a new house or dream car. He was also very nasty with me when at the age of 30 I told him I would wait.  I never went back to him.    I really didn't want to be part of it.  My problem didn't cause me much discomfort and didn't interfere with life.  I waited....Was the wait worth it?  I'm not sure.  Like a lot of other people though, I googled and researched and came across the same types of people who act like you are less of a woman because you are missing a few parts.  It scared me that my quality of life would go down hill.  Things can always be worse right? They tend to make it sound like you are a no longer a functioning part of society, a blubbering idiot.  This really really scared me because I'm not much on the ball anyway. 

On the flip side of this, you can also hear about how people (probably most people) go on to live perfectly normal happy lives.  I probably would have been better off had I listened to the first Dr although my opinion of him remains the same.  I wouldn't be going through this now, but I'm kind of stubborn and say I did what my heart told me to do.   Everything is going to work out and I for sure don't need other women acting like I'm a eunuch and need to be shipped away to a far away land for lepers and incomplete people.(they refer to women who have had hysters as not being INTACT)   Below is a list of reason HERS gave not to have the surgery:

• heart disease
• loss of sexual desire, arousal, sensation (WRONG and NO COMMENT)
• weight gain (too late)
• osteoporosis (comes with old age, take calcium)
• bone, joint and muscle pain and immobility (old age)
• painful intercourse, vaginal damage (NO COMMENT)
• displacement of bladder, bowel, and other pelvic organs (I HAD PROLAPSE PRIOR)
• urinary tract infections, frequency, incontinence (LEAKED URINE EARLIER DUE TO HUGE UTERUS AND PROLAPSE)
• chronic constipation and digestive disorders (ALREADY HAVE)
• debilitating fatigue
• loss of stamina (NONE TO LOSE)
• altered body odor (WHATEVER!!!)
• loss of short-term memory (ALREADY HAPPENING)
• blunting of emotions, personality changes, despondency, irritability, anger, reclusiveness and suicidal thinking (HAVE ALL THESE EXCEPT FOR SUICIDAL THINKING.  Mine is more about how to off others not myself JUST KIDDING, THAT WAS A JOKE)

 Here is a couple quotes from the HERS blog: 

"There is no age or time when the uterus is no longer needed. Desecrating the uterus, whether it is intact or amputated, desecrates the woman, and is offensive and intolerable."

"Castration causes memory loss and impaired cognitive function."  PS:  SO DOES MENOPAUSE!!!!

Well, so there you have it, I'm doomed......Not only am I a Eunuch, I'm going to be a blubbering idiot also.

I don't know you guys, but I think the key is to find a Doctor you trust and rely on him/her and your own instincts.  There is no sure thing, but it is equally just as dangerous to listen to people who make things sound so gruesome and terrifying as though it's out of a horror movie.  I think it's sad that this group, whoever they are, believe that a uterus and lady parts define them.  I'm much more than that.   If I'm wrong, I will invite you all over to watch me eat this particular blog entry.   I can tell you I feel much better since my surgery.  I can now actually walk without my back aching.(which before this was blamed on my big boobs)   I no longer feel like I'm a step away from depends.   So far my quality of life has improved.  I think this organization is very irresponsible in the way they handle the subject.  The more I read the madder I get so I'm washing my hands of this whole mess!!  Please feel free to go to their blog and let me know what you think. I will leave you to search for it, because I've done enough advertising for them.   Just because I find it obscene, degrading and a little overboard doesn't mean everyone will and that's OK.

Surgery Preparation and Planning

As I prepare for another surgery,  I truly am not scared or worried.  I just want all bases covered in case I wake up dead.  This weekend, I will clean house. Only the surface will be clean, if you start digging around being nosey, I cannot guarantee that something may not fall on your head if you open the living room closet.  That seems to be a cave of crap.  Behind the fridge?  What the hell are you doing there?  You deserve whatever you find.  The house will be dusted, swept, and probably the floors will be scrubbed.  Other than that it is what it is. 

I will go grocery shopping and get the essentials.  Beer for John, and cereal for Sarah and gummies for Taylor. and some bowel prep for me.    If I live, can someone PLEASE bring me some Chicken Manor chicken and fish?  I love that stuff.  I really am kidding about all the death stuff, but don't you like to be prepared?

Now the last stay in the hospital was OK, but here are a few things that need to be different this time.  First,  MOTHER, this is not a spa or a beauty parlor.  All patients look like Sh## OK?  When they wheel me back to my room, please don't say to me "who are you and why are you in my daughters room?"  This is a true story....my mom wrote me an email that night when she got home and said "I love you, but please get the cover girl makeup on right away and brush  your hair. I didn't recognize you"  I don't make this stuff up, nor do I take it personally.   She will be fixing my hair on the way to my autopsy and be so pissed when they saw the top of my head off to take a look at my little turd nugget of a brain.

I have requested that John take two days off this time so he can help me in the hospital the day after.  The last time I was there  "Claude" the aid wanted to help me bathe.  NO FLIPPIN' WAY.   No offense....but It's bad enough that I believe every Dr and Pathologist in Stark County and possibly Cuyahoga County has either seen me or my uterus, I have to draw the line at sponge baths by Claude. John will also be in charge of walking me. (sounds like a dog)  They want you to get up and walk, which is a wonderful idea, but it's not exactly convenient.   I was hooked up to an IV and a catheter and worried about my arse sticking out the back.  So I carried my little plastic container of pee, and pushed the IV, while worrying about someone seeing my full moon. Oh well, I will never see these people again right?

WOMEN'S ISSUES

How in the world did birth control become a hot topic for the presidential election????  I believe an equally fair question is how did the POPE get involved in birth control?  I do NOT want to talk politics or religion for that matter, but I can talk birth control. 

Guys have two choices condoms and vasectomy. Women have The pill, the patch, the IUD, the shot, the diaphragm., the sponge, vaginal ring, cervical cap, ....on and on and on.  This alone tells me it's a woman's issue.    Have you ever noticed the amount of men that make the appointment for a vasectomy only to cancel it?  I know quite a few actually and my husband was one of them.  Between kid 2 and 3 he made the appointment and then backed out.  Then Jonathan arrived. I do not regret a thing.  I knew after Jonathan was born we truly didn't need anymore.   John told me I couldn't come home from the hospital until my tubes were tied.  (he said this jokingly of course, but I knew he was right) 

I'm one of those rare women who LOVED to be pregnant.  I never felt better than when I was pregnant.  If scientists could figure out what it was, I would like the cocktail of hormones that mimics pregnancy.  Equally fun for me was the time in the hospital after the baby was born.  I had easy births so that time was spent holding a sleeping baby, watching TV and ordering whatever I wanted for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  This was ruined with Jonathan because I spent the entire next day not able to eat until the doctor did my tubal and they left the thing in my back for my epidural which meant no sleep and no comfort.  So, on top of recuperating down below with pushing a 9lb 1oz baby out, I then had to have yet another procedure and heal from that.  (the gas they pump in is a killer afterwards)

so yea, I don't think men sitting around talking about women's issues is a good idea.  I think it's even less a good idea for men who have never been married, never had children or  family experience to sit around making rules about women's issues.  I am not a man hater.  Most men I know are progressive and get it. I work for a catholic, family owned business and they get it.   Let's get it out of politics and religion and let women worry about it, we have it handled!

THE 5 IMPORTANT "F"s IN LIFE

Since I've started this doctor stuff, I've had several people who have tried to convince me to go Natural.  Here is my disclaimer before I get started.  I have NOTHING against going natural or alternative medicine.  (I have actually witnessed it working with someone with MS, just by diet) I respect all opinions concerning this.  I have actually read everything that anyone has sent to me. In searching I found the blog below:

http://sheilamiller31.wordpress.com/

 I've just started reading it but, it sounds like she went the "alternative" route.  She died, but she had serious, serious cancer that she would probably have died with the traditional way also.  In my opinion, there is no way to determine what works better.  We all know people who have survived cancer both ways.  I'm a never say never person.  In fact I am looking for something natural ( I use the word natural because homeopathy is too long to spell.) that will help deal with the sudden menopause that I'm going to have in a few weeks.  I will not be allowed HRT, but if symptoms get too bad, I know I'm going to be on the search for a supplement or two.

As far as a long term commitment to alternative medicine, I just don't think I have it in me.  Also insurance will not pay for it, which is a really big deal to me. 

Here is my problem. I have very little discipline.  In no particular order here are a few things I love about life:  (call me shallow)

The Important F's in life:
Faith
Fun
Food
Friends
Family
John wants me to add another F word, but I told him I was shocked and appalled that he would even suggest it!! What is he trying to do?... kill my mother!!

Anyway, back on topic......I have no desire, even for my life, to drink food that has been juiced, eat nothing but lettuce from my own back yard and never touch meat.  Hell, I choose the meat first, and MAYBE throw some broccoli around it.  Never would I consider a vegetable the main course.  In the blog above she was doing two coffee enemas a day.  Do you know how hard that is for me NOT to make a few jokes about?  I'm not going to knock it or agree with it.  I have not researched it enough to be smart or smart mouthed.  All I'm going to say is apparently coffee isn't just for breakfast anymore. 

  Again, I admit I am shallow, but if I have a choice between eating only a small list of fruits and vegetables which needs to be juiced  or the feast at the Master's table, I'm going with the grand buffet in heaven.  Momma always said there are worse things than dying....living and miserable is one of them.  (you can substitute the word "married" in that quote also)  I'm sort of a picky eater, but there are healthy things I like. I just don't have the time or finances to be buying organic everything and carrying my own food into restaurants just to be with my friends.   Besides, when the coffee at work comes up missing and I'm on the pot all day, that will not go over well with my co-workers or employer.

I'm willing to make changes for my health I really am, just not like this.  I can eat a diabetic or even gluton free diet to save my life, but this is more than I am willing to do right now. 

As I said, I am looking for  alternative hormonal help after my ovarectomy (I'm making up my own terms, they make more sense) I won't be allowed to have hormones because hormones feeds cancer.  So now what?  I'm open to suggestions for this problem. I already get so hot I think I'm going to spontaneiously combust, so I can't imagine how I will deal with the flame that is about to be ignited. 

THE FUNERAL (not yet but someday)

I loved Whitney Houston's music, her talent and I thought she was beautiful.  It appears she made bad choices that may have started the day she married Bobby Brown.  After that her life seemed to spiral downward.  I believe that addiction is a disease.  I believe it's a disease that you will never get if you never touch the stuff.  Once you do, it's a battle, but not impossible.   I feel very bad for her daughter and her family.  Okay with that being said, let's change the subject to death in general.

I love comedians.  If I were allowed to have a reincarnation, I want to come back as a comedian or even just marry one.  I love how they get a free pass to be crass, obnoxious, and politically incorrect.  That's the crap that swirls around my head everyday (not always, but off and on during a given day) and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode if it can't come out my mouth.  Usually when this happens, I puke it all over John because he seems to love me for me.  I don't think I can shock him. 

So Sarah made a facebook post that most people would be offended about.  She was in Columbus for a game night with my niece and apparently they were playing Clue.  They got news that Whitney had died and she posted:  "Playing clue,  the who killed Whitney edition"  sorry folks, but I found it funny. I took it as there would be a ton of speculation about how she died.  Everyone would assume drugs and alcohol yet it could be murder for all we knew.  So the game Clue could be played to figure it out.   I kind of chuckle when people say we shouldn't make fun of the dead (I agree to a point)  but here's how I see it.  If we make fun of them when they are living and they can hear us, why not make fun of them when they are dead when they can't hear us. 

When I die, I want a party. Please feel free to proclaim how there is now one less idiot in the world or gee did John have to pay extra for that extra wide casket.   Feel free, I can't hear you.  Chances are I didn't like you anyway.

  My friend Barry will get up and tell about the day we climbed Dunn River Falls in Jamaica and I bitched and lunged my fat a$$ up those falls, while he and David May were pulling my hefty frame up those rocks.  Hell, I'm surprised that wasn't the day I died or the day they would rip their arms out of their sockets.  Barry said this was the happiest day of his life.  He gets great pleasure  out of my misery, he still does today.  

Better yet, someone on that same trip can get up and tell you how John and I  took pictures the entire week with our old 35mm camera only to find out at the end, we didn't have any film in the camera.  John thought I had put it in, and I thought he had.  I just kept taking pictures.  I must have thought he bought a roll of 136 or something.  My friend Chris laughed so hard she couldn't stand up and tears were rolling down her cheeks.  I was just crying.

My kids have my permission to tell the world how Bat Crap Crazy I was (am).  They have their own stories.......each one unique Here is just one example:  We left Sarah at church not just one time, but twice.  I am kind of embarrassed to admit this, but the one time, Chris and David brought her home and I don't even think we had realized yet that she was missing. Listen, I only had three kids, but I found myself counting heads after that one.  Oh this explains so so much.  I'm sorry Sarah. 

My grade school /high school friends can share how many times I peed my pants at school from laughing so hard.  If the high school were still standing, we could probably still see the big spot in the middle of the band room floor where I fell down laughing so hard and peed my pants all the way.  Not a trickle but totally emptied the bladder. Or how about the time a friend and I went to the principal and told him my period started so I had to go home and change.  (we did this just to leave school)  When you go to a male principal and say anything about a period, they are speechless. They get all red faced, put their head down and wave their hand like Yeah go go go... Girls, you can probably still pull this one off today.  If you have a female principal, I wouldn't try it.  Trust me, they have all the supplies at their finger tips to help.  The pads, the tampons, the Clorox stain stick, and probably even extra sets of disposable underwear.  You my friend ain't going anywhere. 

There was the time at church when I was playing and the music had about six pages, but unfortunately I left 3 of the six at home on the piano.  I didn't catch this of course, until I was in the middle of playing at church.  There is no silence like it, when you just abruptly stop playing because you have nothing more to play.  AWKWARD!!

I won't give it all away here, but believe me when I say I can be an idiot and a buffoon I mean it.  I love to laugh and I would like to be able to make others laugh. If you want to "roast" me I can take it.   I hold back a little on my humor for fear of insulting someone, but look out...when I'm old, I hear you can say whatever you want!

So yes, please everyone when I'm dead, make fun all you want.  I'm hoping God will allow me to  be an angel hanging in the rafters of the church listening.  Just beware if you make me laugh too hard, I may pee on your head. 

THE ONCOLOGIST VISIT PART II

If the court system ever has to seize my computer and search my google search engine the only thing they will come up with is either someone in our family  is deathly ill or we are hypochondriacs (or is it hyper.....I'm getting this confused with Sarah's thyroid) Between Sarah and I, we have covered every illness known to mankind.    I, on more than ten occasions, have googled Sarcoma and that brings up 200,000 results and I think I've read 150,000 of them.  I've googled all I can google and read as much as I can read.  I'm pretty sure I could pass a state board exam on Uterine Sarcoma. 

As most know I went to the oncologist today for official results.  As I'm sitting and waiting in the office today I was relaxed.  I just looked around at all the things. The stirrups, the speculum,   I even texted my girlfriend that I had an overwhelming desire to steal the KY that was sitting there.  There were two tubes, would they really miss one?  I didn't touch or steal anything so relax.

 When I talk about this doctor,  people think I don't like him.  I truly do like him, he's just.....I don't know......unemotional.  Dr W, about peed herself when she told me there was good news.  Dr H, didn't even say there WAS good news.  He rattled off some numbers, and from I took from the rattle  my tumor rated a 7 out of a possible 10.  If  my husband rated me a 7 out of ten my first thought would be "hey at least I'm above average."  Perhaps my tumor was an underachiever.  In this case I believe that is what we are hoping for.  I just got the impression, he wasn't convinced of anything. 

In a very business like five minutes, he told me we would proceed with an exploratory Laparatomy accompanied by a bi-laterial oophorectomy and salpingectomy.  You can google this if you want, but all it means is I will have exploratory surgery of my pelvis area and he will remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes.   He told me that the ovaries will be sent to pathology to be biopsied and "staged" while I was still on the table.  Gee, I hope it doesn't take four weeks to get the results back like the last time.....that would be a heck of a nap.  ( by the way the "stage" is going to be negative 1) He will swab my insides and send that out to be tested and he will then rinse my cavity with a saline solution and have that tested.  When all this comes back clean, I will then be following up on everything every 6 months. 

So the saga continues, but not near as scary as before.  I view all of this as a precautionary move to make sure we have done everything humanly possible to catch anything that may have escaped.  I'm not looking forward to another surgery, but if this puts it to bed then let's get on with it.  We have a vacation in June to prepare for, there is no time for this nonsense. 

I was hoping for a cat for Valentines Day. My friends are calling this year the year of the Bobbie.....So maybe when I get home something similar to this will be waiting. 

WHY

Ten years ago this July my best friend died of cancer.  I remember specifically asking God why.  I didn't ask Him why for me, but why He would take a young mother away from her very young children.  This week there were two deaths where mothers were taken away from their children.  Both were sudden deaths.  One was a car accident and one was I believe a heart attack. also there was another situation where a co-worker of mine lost her seven month old grand baby.  The baby never made it home from the hospital, but he fought and fought and defied all kinds of obstacles only to die in the end.    My heart breaks for these families.  My human nature has me asking why. 

When I was given my diagnosis, I never asked why.  All I had ever asked God was to get my kids raised.  After that, life is all bonus.  I have asked God many times to take from me and make sure these kids are ok.  There is no amount of sacrifice I wouldn't make for their happiness.  I love them so.

I always think of something I read once that said " we rarely ask God why when something good happens, why ask him why when something bad happens"  I try to remember this, but sometimes human nature does take over. 

The why question I've been asking lately is this.....why did these young mothers have to be ripped from their children? After seven months of many surgeries and fighting so hard, why did baby Tyler not make it?  Why did I get good news this week about cancer being caught very early and probably even gone, when there are people and close friends who were not fortunate enough to get that same opportunity.  Some are fighting, some are already gone.  I think I have survivor guilt in a way.   In my opinion, I would have been a better option than the three women and the little baby above. 

What I do know is God is God. He knows everything.  He sees the entire puzzle.  He has all the pieces.  We can only see so far.  We have to continue to trust, hope, pray and simply be there for those around us.  We need to be a blessing.  I feel so blessed this last month, not only for the good news, but even more importantly for the great friends, the great family and all the people I don't even know who showed up.  I hope I will be as big of a blessing to all of them as they have been to me!

Medicine is a Business

I'm blogging about medicine again today.  This fiasco in the last month has truly been my first experience with the medical field.  I have to say 99.9% of those I have dealt with were great.  When I went for my CT Scan and the IV infiltrated (dye went in the surrounding tissues of the site) the tech was so apologetic.  I felt bad for her because she felt so bad.  When Dr V told me I had cancer, I felt bad for her because telling someone that would not be fun and you never know how someone is going to react.  Wednesday, when I called Dr W about the path report and my bleeding bladder, she told me to just drop by that afternoon.  For some reason I have this fear of "bothering" people.  I asked her if she was sure because I could wait until the following day if it were more convenient for her.  She starting laughing "just get in here, this is my job!!" and she also told me I need to get over this fear of bothering people because in the upcoming months I would be bothering people a lot. 

I'm not sure why I'm the way I am.  By nature, I want everyone to be happy.  I can't help it.  Life is a lot more fun when people are happy and content. I believe on the whole, we need to pick our battles.  I don't like when people feel the need to fight about everything.  I deal with customers all day long.  Most are as nice as can be. A very low percentage believe their life is going to end because they were short a carton of sour cream.  I have on occasion been reamed up one side and down the other over something this insignificant.  At those moments I want to say " if this is your biggest problem in life, you've got it made"  However, we smile and will send a semi three states away with their sour cream.  Consumers, can be even funnier.  I had woman call and say she found a chicken finger in her dip.  For the record, this is IMPOSSIBLE.  She was not nasty, she was just reporting the facts.  It Turned out, and to her credit she admitted it, the chicken finger was her granddaughters who was dipping it into the dip. 

As one of my blogger friends pointed out on one of my earlier posts.  Medicine is no different than anything else.  It is a business.  I admit when we went to the oncologist and he was for the first time reading everything in front of me (I think scanning it is a better description) my confidence level dipped.  When the Pathology report wasn't there he was very nonchalant.  My very first instinct when he said it wasn't there was, OMG get on the phone and see where it is.  When he didn't, I did.  When I called Dr W, she was on it.  I had an answer by the next morning.  If I had not called her, we would still be waiting.  Is this a difference between Male doctors and Female Doctors or just a difference in people?  Feel free to comment.  I don't want to start a man bashing contest, but we all know there are BIG differences between men and women.  It's not good against bad it's more of the way we look at things and the way they look at things.  Anyway, I will get off the Path report since it seems to have come back very favorable.  I will move on to something else now :) 

Good News (great actually)

Well, in our last episode of Bobbie's Babble, we were left in limbo over a missing path report from Cleveland clinic.  The following day I called my original Dr and she immediately took up the cause of locating the report.  (I will blog more on this later)

Today she called me and with glee in her heart,  told me she had some Great news.  This is a very abbreviated post because I want to share the good news with all of you who have taken the time to pray.  Apparently the Cleveland Clinic believes there was no cancer left behind. 

We have a lot to learn yet, which we won't hear until Tuesday when we go to the oncologist. I  will keep everyone posted. She mentioned that there is a possibility I won't need more surgery.  I may need to be followed closely and have occasional CT Scans but things are MUCH better than even the doctors anticipated. 

We are thanking God for the good news.  I am thanking everyone who was so encouraging, whether it was a facebook post, a card in the mail or an email.

I will have more at a later time, I just wanted to spread the good news!  Stay tuned!

The Long Story

Yesterday was nerve wracking.  What I think I noticed  for the first time in 26 years of marriage, is that John talks when he's nervous ( a lot)  I prefer quiet.  Quite honestly, and here is total honesty, I was truly trying not to crap myself and that takes concentration.  It's hard to concentrate when someone is yapping.  When I get nervous my stomach becomes upset (thanks mom).  I love him though, and it's just how different people cope. 

I'm not sure what I was thinking.  I think I have a lot to learn.  I thought MAYBE the doctor did his home work.  It was kind of disappointing to realize he was just opening the folder for the first time and reading the notes from the surgery, looking for the pathology report and CT results.  When he said he didn't have the pathology report I was pissed.  I wasn't mad at this Dr. I was mad at the situation.  How can we be a month post op and no pathology report?  I am seriously naive because I really thought  if I were a Dr. I would look ahead to my appointments the day ahead and study.  Then I realize,  Dr's are dealing with packed schedules.  This isn't a job where they have a whole lot of time between surgeries and seeing patients.  I just hate feeling like a number.  I better get used to it. 

I already had a few words with the nurse when she said "bottoms off."  Why?  We are here to get answers. (my biggest concern is I hadn't shaved my legs)    He can get a look when we get our information.  Apparently holding your goods hostage, doesn't get you anywhere.  As Dr. H was palpitating my abdomen he literally grabbed a love handle and said, "when we take your ovaries out, we can take care of this also"  Holy crap, I think I'm getting a  two for one.  A tummy tuck, ovary and lymph node removal for one low price.  He said it twice so I think he was serious.  I told him to please take the breasts also, I would like to trade my DD's for a small B. He didn't laugh.  Oh well.

We talked about the blood in the urine.  He asked a lot of questions, but other than that didn't seem to come to any conclusions or want to look further.  I will call my other Dr. tomorrow on that one and see if she can follow up on the Cleveland Clinic Report. 

Yep, I think this cancer blog will last awhile.  I can tell this is going to go on for months.  It tells me that I'm going to have to whip out my gonads and be persistent, bossy, and probably a bitch.  It's not the way I want to be, but it seems if I don't stick up for myself I just may die.

I already told you what we don't know, but here is a re-cap:  We don't know what type of cancer, grade or stage of cancer. We just know it's Sarcoma.

We do know, that at this moment other organs are clean.  There is a small lymph that he would like to biopsy and a small something on the lung.  ( he wasn't overly concerned)

We know that In March, I will have another surgery which will remove the ovaries, lymph nodes, and I guess he is throwing in  a complimentary tummy tuck.  Lucky me.

Quick Update

 I know so many are wanting to hear how things went, so I'm just going to post a quick update and I will go into more detail later.  (because I got some bloggable material today buddy!!)

There really isn't a whole lot to tell.  Get this.......the pathology report is not back from Cleveland Clinic yet!!!!  The first words out of my mouth  were Are you kidding me???????  So here's what we DON'T know:

We don't know if it is Endometrial Stromas Sarcoma, leiomysarcoma, or an undifferentiated Sarcoma. 
We don't know if it is High grade or Low grade
We don't really even know what stage.  

What we do know:

It appears from the CT scan that my body is NOT riddled with cancer. That is good news.
There is a small inflamed lymph node in my neck/shoulder area that we may biopsy if it's big enough.  There is a very small something on my lung.  He said that we will be following these things with more ct scans every so often. 

We go back in two weeks for the rest of the story.......

MORE LATER

Tired

Today I am just plain tired.  I'm tired of not being able to sleep because I am itching head to toe.  Tired of waiting, tired of wondering, tired of googling, tired of wondering why I'm still bleeding when I pee.  Tired tired tired.......

However, I need to count my blessings for how so many people have shown up in a time of trouble.  It really does put your Faith back in mankind when you see how much people really care.  It honestly makes me feel like we should just live like we are dying.  Treat others like today may be the last time we see them.  I've even had strangers send emails or messages letting me know they are praying and who would be there if I need anything.   

Tomorrow is the day.  Two weeks ago today they told me. We have had to wait two weeks for more info.  I find that not cool.  John believes it's part of what is taught in med school.  Kind of like shock and awe.  Drop the bomb and let them think about it.  Let their mind wrestle with it, second guess it, roll it around and talk yourself into accepting it.  I really don't have trouble accepting it.  I just want to know what IT is.  I feel strong.  I don't think the doctor can say anything tomorrow that will shock me.  Hell, I've had enough time
to push every scenario through my brain. 

As I've mentioned before, I'm a planner.  (Samantha says we are the generation of over- planners) I see tomorrow as a planning session between John, me and the Dr.  Let's get on with it.  Let the games begin.  We have our friends, our family, and all the prayer warriors out there.  If God is for us, who can be against us? 

Hair Day

Can someone tell me why my parents are obsessed with my hair?  My mom has never liked my hair and my dad always wanted me to look like a boy.  A couple days ago we had lunch and somehow my roots came up in the conversation.  I am wayyyyy past due for a color job there is no doubt about it, but I didn't want to spend the money until I found out if Chemo was going to rip all the hairs from my head anyway. 

I will take a poll later, but IF and that is IF, chemo is going to steal my hair, I think I will opt for a wig.  I think cancer can probably steal a lot from you the way it is, I don't want to let it get the upper hand by making me feel ugly.  I see women who go bald and wear a scarf and that's OK too.  I don't think there are any rules to this game.  For me personally, when I see a woman bald or with a scarf I think of cancer, death, sickness etc. However, I also see a lot of strength, courage and someone who is fighting hard.  I think I want to mask that for myself.  I want to play a mind game with cancer.  I want to look as healthy as I can and fake it as long as possible. 

Now about that wig.  I think I will approach it like I did the couch.  We will make a girls day out of it.  I want something as close to my own style as possible.  I think it will need to be synthetic hair because real hair wigs cost a fortune.  My mom and dad will choose the one where I look like Liza Minnelli.  Shelly mentioned lady Gaga.  However, being the conservative I am......I just want to look like me.

I don't even know that chemo is in the future, this is just what my mind does when I think about the future.  I'm a planner by occupation and by nature.  As the day gets closer to hearing the verdict  my mind is all over the place.  Lately, because I feel so well, I think everything is OK.  I visualize the doctor saying, "it looks like we got it and we will just watch it for awhile."  Anyway, I'm off to get my hair done today.  I'm approaching 49 and still listening to my momma :)  She wants me to look extra good for the oncologist on Tuesday.

Hurry Up and Wait

I think the word of the week is "WAIT".  Maybe I should have put a GPS on my uterus so I would at least know where it is.   Aultman used it to figure out the basic Sarcoma.  Cleveland Clinic received it to do the
hard part of figuring out which type of Sarcoma.  Now where is it?  Has it been incinerated?  Are they still slicing and dicing on it?  Did The Fibroids hold most of the cancer and now that dirty old cancer is burnt beyond recognition and my body is free? 

Yep, we wait.  How about that CT scan?  Who has that?  Someone out there knows what that shows.  It's probably clear as can be and so they aren't concerned.  Do they remember there is a patient on that scan? A real live person, who may be losing sleep over that picture?  Hell, with all the social media they could post it to my facebook page.  Wouldn't you LOVE to see my chest, abdomen and pelvis.  The pelvis is in color!!

Why can't we read the pathology report?  Why aren't there copies to hand out and go over.  I get that I probably couldn't understand a lot of it, but I bet I could figure out some of it.  Here is all I know about my first pathology report:  It's Sarcoma.  I had two large fibroids and they both looked "funny"  I guess that's all I need to know, but I sure do have a lot more questions.

 Here is a glance into my mind on how I think this all went down.....Like many normal women, I grew fibroids ( which are not cancerous)  For some reason my uterus sprouted a sarcoma.  The Sarcoma became bored and was looking for a nice place to visit.  The Sarcoma was lazy and really didn't want to drill a hole through my uterus to go on an adventure so instead it went to the nearby  Fibroid Islands. Here they lived happily ever after until Some mean Dr. with a big knife went and cut them out.  The End. I could write children's books, this is what all good nightmares are made of.

I have a feeling that through this experience no matter how big or small it turns out to be, I will become somewhat critical of the medical field.  I already have some major problems.  The crap they make you drink whether it be for bowel clean out or the CT scan, is just that.... CRAP!! The stuff I had to drink for the clean out prior to surgery tasted like an over obnoxious sweet tart.  It was doable, but pushed the limit.  The CT Scan crap was a mixture of milk thickened with snot and flavored with a touch of coconut.  I think the trick to these two drinks is to use a straw.  You can position the straw in such a way it misses some of those taste buds and shoots it right down the throat.  I used the straw with the pop tart one, but not the snot one. 

The scan required you to drink two bottles.  I drank the first one in 40 minutes and got a twenty minute break before the second one.  The second one, I cheated......yes I cheated.  I threw up the first couple drinks right into the sink.  This may gross some people out, but I am not one for making a scene.  That crap refused to go down.  It came right back up in my mouth.  I nonchalantly went to the bathroom and puked it in the sink.  I continued to drink until the last.... oh less than a quarter and dumped the rest down the drain.  The technician told me after the scan that she could tell I didn't cheat.  I told John that proves right there that they are making you drink more than you need......because I did cheat. 

I have to tell you no matter what, I love my first two doctors.  My Gynecologist and the surgeon.  They have great personalities and are so so easy to talk to.  I understand that medicine is not cookbook.  It's not black and white.  I think medicine should improve where they can.  Let's improve wait times, crap you have to ingest to get a picture of the insides,  communication or status of whatever is going on, tracking uteruses.....you know things like that.  (I'm pretty sure this list will grow)