Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Surgery Preparation and Planning

As I prepare for another surgery,  I truly am not scared or worried.  I just want all bases covered in case I wake up dead.  This weekend, I will clean house. Only the surface will be clean, if you start digging around being nosey, I cannot guarantee that something may not fall on your head if you open the living room closet.  That seems to be a cave of crap.  Behind the fridge?  What the hell are you doing there?  You deserve whatever you find.  The house will be dusted, swept, and probably the floors will be scrubbed.  Other than that it is what it is. 

I will go grocery shopping and get the essentials.  Beer for John, and cereal for Sarah and gummies for Taylor. and some bowel prep for me.    If I live, can someone PLEASE bring me some Chicken Manor chicken and fish?  I love that stuff.  I really am kidding about all the death stuff, but don't you like to be prepared?

Now the last stay in the hospital was OK, but here are a few things that need to be different this time.  First,  MOTHER, this is not a spa or a beauty parlor.  All patients look like Sh## OK?  When they wheel me back to my room, please don't say to me "who are you and why are you in my daughters room?"  This is a true story....my mom wrote me an email that night when she got home and said "I love you, but please get the cover girl makeup on right away and brush  your hair. I didn't recognize you"  I don't make this stuff up, nor do I take it personally.   She will be fixing my hair on the way to my autopsy and be so pissed when they saw the top of my head off to take a look at my little turd nugget of a brain.

I have requested that John take two days off this time so he can help me in the hospital the day after.  The last time I was there  "Claude" the aid wanted to help me bathe.  NO FLIPPIN' WAY.   No offense....but It's bad enough that I believe every Dr and Pathologist in Stark County and possibly Cuyahoga County has either seen me or my uterus, I have to draw the line at sponge baths by Claude. John will also be in charge of walking me. (sounds like a dog)  They want you to get up and walk, which is a wonderful idea, but it's not exactly convenient.   I was hooked up to an IV and a catheter and worried about my arse sticking out the back.  So I carried my little plastic container of pee, and pushed the IV, while worrying about someone seeing my full moon. Oh well, I will never see these people again right?

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