THE FUNERAL (not yet but someday)

I loved Whitney Houston's music, her talent and I thought she was beautiful.  It appears she made bad choices that may have started the day she married Bobby Brown.  After that her life seemed to spiral downward.  I believe that addiction is a disease.  I believe it's a disease that you will never get if you never touch the stuff.  Once you do, it's a battle, but not impossible.   I feel very bad for her daughter and her family.  Okay with that being said, let's change the subject to death in general.

I love comedians.  If I were allowed to have a reincarnation, I want to come back as a comedian or even just marry one.  I love how they get a free pass to be crass, obnoxious, and politically incorrect.  That's the crap that swirls around my head everyday (not always, but off and on during a given day) and sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode if it can't come out my mouth.  Usually when this happens, I puke it all over John because he seems to love me for me.  I don't think I can shock him. 

So Sarah made a facebook post that most people would be offended about.  She was in Columbus for a game night with my niece and apparently they were playing Clue.  They got news that Whitney had died and she posted:  "Playing clue,  the who killed Whitney edition"  sorry folks, but I found it funny. I took it as there would be a ton of speculation about how she died.  Everyone would assume drugs and alcohol yet it could be murder for all we knew.  So the game Clue could be played to figure it out.   I kind of chuckle when people say we shouldn't make fun of the dead (I agree to a point)  but here's how I see it.  If we make fun of them when they are living and they can hear us, why not make fun of them when they are dead when they can't hear us. 

When I die, I want a party. Please feel free to proclaim how there is now one less idiot in the world or gee did John have to pay extra for that extra wide casket.   Feel free, I can't hear you.  Chances are I didn't like you anyway.

  My friend Barry will get up and tell about the day we climbed Dunn River Falls in Jamaica and I bitched and lunged my fat a$$ up those falls, while he and David May were pulling my hefty frame up those rocks.  Hell, I'm surprised that wasn't the day I died or the day they would rip their arms out of their sockets.  Barry said this was the happiest day of his life.  He gets great pleasure  out of my misery, he still does today.  

Better yet, someone on that same trip can get up and tell you how John and I  took pictures the entire week with our old 35mm camera only to find out at the end, we didn't have any film in the camera.  John thought I had put it in, and I thought he had.  I just kept taking pictures.  I must have thought he bought a roll of 136 or something.  My friend Chris laughed so hard she couldn't stand up and tears were rolling down her cheeks.  I was just crying.

My kids have my permission to tell the world how Bat Crap Crazy I was (am).  They have their own stories.......each one unique Here is just one example:  We left Sarah at church not just one time, but twice.  I am kind of embarrassed to admit this, but the one time, Chris and David brought her home and I don't even think we had realized yet that she was missing. Listen, I only had three kids, but I found myself counting heads after that one.  Oh this explains so so much.  I'm sorry Sarah. 

My grade school /high school friends can share how many times I peed my pants at school from laughing so hard.  If the high school were still standing, we could probably still see the big spot in the middle of the band room floor where I fell down laughing so hard and peed my pants all the way.  Not a trickle but totally emptied the bladder. Or how about the time a friend and I went to the principal and told him my period started so I had to go home and change.  (we did this just to leave school)  When you go to a male principal and say anything about a period, they are speechless. They get all red faced, put their head down and wave their hand like Yeah go go go... Girls, you can probably still pull this one off today.  If you have a female principal, I wouldn't try it.  Trust me, they have all the supplies at their finger tips to help.  The pads, the tampons, the Clorox stain stick, and probably even extra sets of disposable underwear.  You my friend ain't going anywhere. 

There was the time at church when I was playing and the music had about six pages, but unfortunately I left 3 of the six at home on the piano.  I didn't catch this of course, until I was in the middle of playing at church.  There is no silence like it, when you just abruptly stop playing because you have nothing more to play.  AWKWARD!!

I won't give it all away here, but believe me when I say I can be an idiot and a buffoon I mean it.  I love to laugh and I would like to be able to make others laugh. If you want to "roast" me I can take it.   I hold back a little on my humor for fear of insulting someone, but look out...when I'm old, I hear you can say whatever you want!

So yes, please everyone when I'm dead, make fun all you want.  I'm hoping God will allow me to  be an angel hanging in the rafters of the church listening.  Just beware if you make me laugh too hard, I may pee on your head.